Thursday, March 11, 2010

sore handed, today.

i'm sore handed because i went climbing yesterday!  awesome!  first time rock climbing since before sage came. my forearms are telling me exactly how long it has been.  completely worth the pain.  plus, julie and i got in some good chatting time on the way to and from the gym.

here's a cute photo collage steve put together a bit ago.  it's on facebook, i'm sure you've all seen it.

so, part two of my thoughts about identity.

one side of the picture, that i already wrote about, is the sacrifice part. the other side i've been thinking about is the self absorbed side.  i mean, in my mind it seems like if i'm not focusing on sacrificing so much for everyone, then the other extreme is making my world totally all about me.  which is lame, too, i think.  i think it's easy to think about all the ways i can develop myself and my talents.  but, i worry that too much focus on those things takes away from the focus on others.  especially because i am a firm believer that serving others is a great way to  grasp some happiness.

another off-shoot from this thought is what to do with the things that you (well, me, i'm really talking about me)  just don't want to do.  you know, the boring, responsible stuff.  yes, i know we all need to do it, but sometimes i think that there should be a way around it all.  steve and i would love a machine that folds our laundry for us, since we both hate doing that.

how to enjoy life, get things done and not be entitled.

so, i'm on the search for the perfect balance of me-ness and family-ness.

anyone have any ideas on how to do that?  i'm specifically looking for thoughts about working or not (full or part time work).

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

caught, red handed

not left handed.  not right handed.  nor smurf-blue.  red.  i haven't posted in for-ev-ah.  i got accused yesterday for not posting since halloween.  and after a few moments of reading some great blogs by great friends, i decided to sit down and type out a few thoughts.

as life has done a complete 180 for me, i've been really contemplating many things.  the biggest one is my own identity and how it has changed or not with becoming a mom.  it started with a conversation with steve before new year's about resolutions.  now, if you don't know, steve and i love to set resolutions and goals and dreams (we do it twice a year because we like it so much).  steve was excitingly informing me of his new year's goals, dreams and ideas.  then he asked what i was looking forward to in the new year and what my goals were.  i sat there for a moment and then got sad, because i realized i had drawn a blank.




that led us to a deep and ongoing conversation about identity and motherhood and cultural expectations.  i thought about long term goals.  the list used to be something like this, "school, work, fun, marriage, kids."  the list varied a bit over the years, but always ended with kids.  nothing after that.  so, what does a girl do being at the end of the list and only being 31?  for some reason i just never thought past it.  i think it's because i've never really considered myself grown up enough to even have kids.  i think i thought i'd figure it out when i got there.  well, here i am.  and yes, i'm trying to figure it out.

i don't have it totally figured, yet.  but, it's a work in progress.  part of the progress is just taking the time to write again.  hello.  here i am writing.  yes!  what i do have figured out is that my own identity, you know, the kjrstin that you all know, is very important for me to know, but also for my family.  how sad if sage had to grow up with a shadow of me, instead of the technicolor amazingness of kjrstin.  it's like never having the opportunity to taste dr.pepper/pepsi/coke made with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup.  so, i've decided to continue to develop myself and pursue things that make me happy.  that doesn't mean that i always put myself first.  there are those inherent sacrifices that come with motherhood/parenthood.  but, i can take the time to make sure i'm ok, too.

kjrstin, you're saying, of course you would do all these things.  they make so much sense.  yes, but, i think there are certain expectations that float around in society, that say that this isn't ok.  that you are a bad person/parent/mother if you don't put everyone else in the world first, before you're own needs.  ok, i'm not a phd, but i know there is just not enough time in the day for that.  these expectations are often unspoken or unarticulated, but they're out there.  and i decided to challenge them.  i want to be a mom on my terms.  i want to be myself on my terms.

this is just part 1 of my thoughts on the identity subject.  the post is too long already to type more.  next installment is about selfishness... how to balance my identity/wants/needs and still be a mom.

have thoughts about this topic?  post 'em in the comments, or fire me an email, or call to chat.  i'm pretty open to thinking and discussing these ideas.

and here's a face to love....